me, watching people surpass me in literally every possible way: haha! great for them :) also! starting at noon i will be burying myself under leaves and decaying slowly, feel free to stop by!
nevermind!!! i wrote this at a dark time in my life while my recovery was just getting started!!!!!! while sometimes i am still insecure and feel left behind, im learning to celebrate my own successes as being important!!! no matter how small they are!!!!!
it IS great when other people succeed!! i’m proud of them!!! i am also proud of me and you and any other person who has survived the slow decay that is mental illness!!!!!!!!!! we got buried by our minds but instead of rotting we turned ourselves into trees!!!!!!!!!!!
thinking about “you construct intricate rituals which allow you to touch the skin of other men” but off topic since thats more of a commentary on male social behavior at large rather than just male homosexuality , but the phrase is what reminded me:
i wonder often if straight people will ever understand the dizzying heat of seeing 2 people of the same gender simply touch. shyly maybe, maybe a little roughly, un-self-consciously in camaraderie, maybe to support one another in weakness. or catch each other’s eye. a moment of shared understanding, an arresting glance. or to feel comfortable enough to be close without watching. shoulders pressed together. gaze averted. this is what i often mean by calling fiction “gay” in a way that’s completely invisible to straight people even when i try to call their attention to it. they will never understand a longing buried so deep that a simple brush of skin will flush you out to your ears and down your neck, everything trying to gush out like youve tapped an oil well. gay people invented desire and touch
